The Six Basic Becky’s of Brunch

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Any #Basic who has attended brunch in any capacity will be well aware of the following cast of characters. I’m talking about the Becky’s (because in my psychotic world, that’s what I call “girls”) who populate every table of every overpriced, urban brunch establishment. I mean, what the hell is the point of eating eggs if you can’t $18 of them at a table of your fave people?

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Hungover Becky

She arrives 30 minutes late…if she makes it at all. Hungover Becky has raccoon eyes, smells like tequila and probably consumed a king size bag of Cheetos just seven hours prior. And that’s why she’s your friend.

“Are we getting bloody’s?” is the first thing out of her mouth. Before even “hi.”

Walk of Shame Becky

This is the best Becky to have at the table because A. She will 100% be in clubbing attire and heels, which is hilarious and embarrassing, and B. She will have a story for the group.

It does not matter if she had a ONS or if she returned from her ex-boyfriend’s frat-tastic cave (does not matter that he is 29)…Walk of Shame Becky is a fantastic addition to any brunch table.

Oh, and by the way, Walk of Shame Becky is only second to Hungover Becky for best brunch order. In fact, she and Hungover Becky will probably each order their own calorie-laden entrees, then split something with “Chuckwagon” in the name.

Eat Clean Becky

Ugh. Eat Clean Becky. Is there anyone worse to bring to brunch? All she does is make you feel bad about eating Eggs Benedict.

“Okay, so, I’ll have two poached eggs, a sliced avocado…”

“Avocado toast?” The waiter asks.

Eat Clean Becky looks at him like he’s just committed double homicide.

“No toast,” she laughs nervously, because she knows it’s annoying that she doesn’t eat bread. “And then a glass of seltzer with a lemon wedge.”

Everyone wants to strangle Eat Clean Becky.

SoulCycle Becky

SoulCycle Becky is NOT to be confused with Eat Clean Becky. On the contrary, SoulCycle Becky eats normal brunch food…because she just burned off 56,000 calories during her RENEGADE workout sesh.

SoulCycle Becky will bop into brunch all happy and annoying (obviously in her $67 SoulCycle workout shirt) and try to tell you about SoulCycle for the entire meal. She’s like one of those people who always wants to retell every detail of a movie.

“And then the Skrillex version of the new Justin Bieber song came out, and I was like, in the zoneeee!”

She never notices that the entire table has moved onto someone else.

Productive Sunday Becky

WTF? This Becky shows up to your 12pm brunch rezzie five minutes early, having just come from a invigorating-yet-relaxing workout. She’s not only showered…she’s had a blowout at DryBar and picked up her dry cleaning for the week. When you ask if she wants coffee, she says no…because she already had coffee today, a 7am, when she woke up.

She might be your best friend; she might be a fringe pal. Whichever she is, she is Productive as Shit on Sundays, and you are in awe.

“Did you not go out last night?” you ask in amazement.

“No, I did, I went for champagne with some co-workers,” she says. (Of course she did) “But I was in bed by 11:30!”

Productive Sunday Becky…you want to hate her, but you just can’t.

Stranger Becky

Pretty self-explanatory. One of your crew brings her along last-minute..and now you have to include her in the inappropriate conversation you’re not sure she can handle about people she definitely doesn’t know.

“So then he…” someone starts. You all turn to look at Stranger Becky, who is most likely the childhood friend of one of your crew. “Umm, sorry Becky, this is kinda gross…”

“Oh my God, no, do NOT worry about me!” And then she proceeds to tell you something even grosser than any of you have even thought about, and you just know: Stranger Becky was brought to brunch for a reason. She is one of you.

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Molly Fedick is a freelance writer and founder of The Eighty8. She writes a dating and relationships column and has been featured in the Huffington Post, Elite Daily, Glamour, NBC.com, the official White House blog, CollegeHumor.com and CosmoGirl!, among others. Molly is a graduate of Boston University and Northwestern's Medill School of Journalism, and in her spare time enjoys adding more black and white to her already entirely black and white wardrobe.