Have you guys heard about Kayla Itsines’ Bikini Body Guide? It’s basically a 12-week journey through hell masquerading as a “totally doable” fitness routine. At the end of 12 weeks you’re supposed to have a bod rivaling a Victoria’s Secret Angel.
This is Kayla…side note, is it some sort of law that you have to become a mirror-selfie addict when you start working out at a level beyond mild elliptical-ing?
My good friend Holly (who, by the way, has a beyond-enviable physique) passed along a bootleg copy after I admired her biceps for the fifth time in one evening.
Bootleg, you ask?
Yes. Bootleg. A bootleg PDF.
Normally the guide costs $69.97 Australian dollars (she’s Australian; it’s around $50 American), and you have to purchase it directly from Kayla’s website. Upon purchase you become a part of “Kayla’s Army” (check the hashtag on Instagram)…one of millions of girls putting themselves through this hell around the world!
Below is what you see when you go to purchase one of these guides. Note the up-sells, including a hot pink foam roller. I tend to just push my sore muscles against my coffee table, but to each his own.
Now, to be honest, $50 is not a lot of money to look like a Victoria’s Secret Angel. And technically you don’t even need a gym to do the moves, which basically consist of a combination of walking, sprinting, and resistance training using your own body weight.
Yeah, you kind of need a medicine ball, but I just improvised by picking up anything heavy in my house. Like a big lamp. Wish I had this one because it looks heavy:
If you know anything about me, it’s that I’m literally one step above a sloth in terms of physical fitness. Like, I’ll move because I have to…not because I get crazy endorphins and legitimately enjoy working out.
So, needless to say, this undertaking was going to be a challenge. But I’m 26 and looking for meaning in my life, so why not torture myself with some sort of physical activity?
At least it wasn’t Soul Cycle.
I opened the PDF and immediately skipped to the actual workout, because I don’t really need any motivational words when it comes to fitness. Let’s be honest: “You can do it!” didn’t work on me in grade school, when I practically sobbed through the Presidential Fitness Test.
“Hmm,” I thought, perusing pictures of an incredibly in-shape girl (Kayla, duh) squatting her way to muscle-y bliss, “this doesn’t look that hard.”
Next I checked out the hashtag #BBG, which is how Kayla’s Army tags and tracks their progress. This is where I got REALLY got excited. The before and after’s are amazing.
And they got those six packs just by like, jumping up and down a few times?
I was going to do it. I was going to retire the below device and join Kayla’s Army!
Step One of this challenge is to take a “before” picture.
Kayla advises taking this picture in your undies from two angles: the side and the front. I made sure to stand in front of my skinny mirror while doing it so my self-esteem wouldn’t be crushed.
Good thing, too, because it was already at all-time lows from being paler than an un-cooked shrimp in the middle of July.
I know you all want to see the picture, but I’m not posting it here. One, because it’s terrifying, and two, because I don’t believe in internet nudity. Where these girls get the confidence to “bare it all” on Instagram I will NEVER KNOW.
I went to sleep that night totally pumped about the bangin’ bod in my future.
Oh, but before going to bed, I made sure to have a “diet” treat: a sugar-free grape Popsicle.
What can I say? You can lead a white girl to chia seeds but you can’t make her eat.
Stay tuned for Day 1 of the Bikini Body Guide Review, where I give my honest opinion of what HAS to be some sort of Olympic training regime. Or torture strategy.
In the meantime, follow us on Instagram for the Daily LOLs.